*Disclaimer*
Lots of profanity laced ranting about really random stupid shit that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of life is about to ensue. Lots. You've been warned...
1. Flip flops on men outside of the beach. Men wearing flip flops in any other setting really makes me cringe. I dunno maybe I've seen 10 too many men with ugly ass, finger-like toes with black or yellow nails, fungus crusted, runaway slave looking man-feet in raggedy ass flip flops walking around college campuses and/or Baltimore City to last me a lifetime. To the white guy in Starbucks--how is it even possible for your feet to look like a runaway slave's?! Do you understand how traumatic it was to see that shit just out in the open? I literally almost threw up on the fucking floor! The only thing worse than ugly man feet+raggedy ass flip flops is ugly man-feet+raggedy ass flip flops in jeans/slacks/suit. For this crime you deserve to be publicly beaten with a pair of dress shoes by men far more fashionable than you!!
2. People, far too often women, who don’t dress appropriately for their size. And I’m not talking about the ig’nant ass debate about whether plus size women can wear skinny jeans [some can, most can’t, but I’ll not delve into that]. I’m talking about the shit observed on websites like People of Walmart, Hot Ghetto Mess, and various facebook albums and groups nationwide, where various excess body parts [back rolls, stretch marks, side boob, front butt, etc] are either hanging outside of their clothing, or protruding through their extra medium outfit. These bitches and ninjas should know they are dead ass wrong, and quite frankly, I consider that shit to be indecent fucking exposure. But somehow, they always seem blissfully ignorant of their hot mess situations, if not defiant of social norms and mores. To the woman in Walmart last week, whose breasts were at minimum a G cup spilling out of what appeared to be a D cup bra [no bullshit!] yes bitch, I did just look at you dirty for looking a hot ass mess! Go find yourself a damn bra in your size, and until then, have the decency to wear a big chunky sweater so I cannot clearly see the outline of that small ass bra you squeezed yourself in. Matter fact--how did you even get it closed in the back?? One of these days, this shit is going to land me in a fight. And I'll scratch a bitches eyes out...
3. Fox News Channel. I can respect a politically conservative point of view [albeit, I'm a liberal/progressive/yellow belly bleedin' heart democrat, and proud the fuck of it]. I’m just as worried about the damn deficit and national security just like everyone else. But Fox News is a feeding ground for pure shiggity, bigotry, ignorance, and unpatriotic levels of ridamndiculousness and Obama bashing Every. Single. Day. Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Star Parker, Rush Limbaugh, Anne Coulter, Sean Hannity, Michelle Malkin and crew can KICK. FUCKIN’. ROCKS. You all are miserable souls, and GOD DON’T LIKE UGLY!
4. Bad drivers. The turn signal was invented for a fucking reason, SO BLOODY USE YOURS! If I am a pedestrian, and you are making a turn, I HAVE THE RIGHT OF FUCKIN WAY YOU TRICK ASS WHORE! I declare, if I have to dodge one more turning vehicle in Baltimore city, I’m gonna fuckin lose it! WHY DON’T YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE A RIGHT turn expeditiously?! You are NOT supposed to come to a complete stop in order to turn, MOVE BITCH! Asian drivers—you suck. Women drivers—you suck. Men drivers—this is NOT the fast and the fucking furious, get over yourselves! A merge lane means GET YOUR ASS THE FUCK OVER BEFORE the lane runs out, you lazy piece of trash! WHY WHY WHY don’t people know how to drive?
5. The Baltimore City accent. No, I’m not “Frum Baltimo’ ”, I’m from Jersey bitch, where we learned how to speak a better brand of English, even in Camden. Kona is a cute dog, not a cute dug! Why do y’all just sound plain illiterate?*
*all of the Baltimore natives that I’m friends with don’t sound like this, at all. They may have a twang, because Maryland is, after all, south of the Mason-Dixon, but their accents don’t make my insides cringe.
6. Speaking of speaking—people who just don’t know how to speak or write the English language properly. Learn how to properly conjugate your damn verbs, user proper tenses, etc! Why do you not know the difference between their, there, and they’re?! Irregardless is NOT A FUCKING WORD. This rage now extends to facebook status because “dis” “dey” “ma” “swag” etc have been used far too egregiously and indicate that you may not know the proper way to write English anymore (or if ever). What the fuck were y’all doing in school all those years? Every time you open your mouth and massacre the English language, God murders a puppy! Go read a book and save the puppies!
7. People who would be quick to call me a snobby/bougie bitch because of the previous two bullet points. And to you I still say go read a book—and not that bullshit from Zane or Eric Jerome dickey if you're over the age of 20. Go read grown up books, The Audacity of Hope is a good place to start. Now runtelldat, homeboy!
8. People who refuse to try anything new. Xenophobia is not a good look and I just have zero patience for close minded bullshit. It’s one thing to know what you like, being comfortable with what's familiar, and being apprehensive about new things. But it's another thing to be staunchly against learning/experiencing/doing anything outside of the familiar. It's no bueno, I can't tolerate it, and you will be left behind.
9. People who suck at life in general. You know who I’m talking about. Those folks that don’t have the sense God gave a goose, consistently make BAD DECISIONS, don’t learn lessons, and then wonder why their life is always a hot ass mess. Folks who are too weak to stand on their own two feet, and always need some body's help. And my least favorite, the people who just can’t handle the stresses of life, and fall apart every other week, and use coping vices like cigarettes, sex, alcohol, or shopping to make themselves feel better, as if the E! True Hollywood Story hasn’t taught us that those sort of behaviors are ALWAYS a recipe for disaster. I used to have a friend or two who exhibited these qualities. Notice I said, “used to”…
10. My job search. It's seems to be never ending. the more research I do, the less qualified I feel, and I'm smack in the middle of a slump. I've let two job postings expire before submitting my resume. I just couldn't muster up the energy to submit my resume. I'm not feeling this "feeling". Hopelessness, apathy, and self doubt seem to be stalking me. And they are pissing me the fuck off! I'm tired of having to give myself a pep talk just to get through the work day. Tired of being grateful to have just have a job. I've been grateful for two damn years, it's time for a new job! SO FUCK THIS! FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
I kinda feel better. Kinda.
I know this wasn't supposed to be funny (well at least not all of it) but it was HILARIOUS!
ReplyDeleteSometimes you just need to get it out! Hope you feel better :)
OMG!!! *SMFH* Nadette, you need a cocktail, girlfriend, as do I! We need to plan for a drunk brunch soon :)
ReplyDelete@Dfig, glad it made you laugh and I did feel better for a bit afterwards :)
ReplyDelete@Maddy, i need several cocktails. but i'm worried about what all this booze is doing to my skin...but that's not going to stop me from a drunk brunch as soon as can afford it!!
@LIG, I would like to co-sign on your addition. [except i have used the itis...but that epdisode of the boondocks was sooo funny]. yeah, those whole foods macaroons are pretty terrible. if you can find an authentic french patisserie shop, they'll have really good macaroons. TRUST.