Jump

I haven't got much time to waste, It's time to make my way

I'm not afraid of what I'll face, but I'm afraid to stay

I'm going down my road and I can make it alone

I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own 

Are you ready to jump
Get ready to jump
Don't ever look back, oh baby
Yes, I'm ready to jump
Just take my hand, get ready to jump

-Madonna, Jump, Confessions on a Dance Floor

  
I love Madonna, and this one of my all time favorite songs of hers. Part of the reason I love this song, is because it's the background music in the montage scene in The Devil Wears Prada, where Andie has clearly gotten her shit together, and is seen sporting several fierce winter coats [and I have a growing obsession with outerwear]. And the other reason I love this song, is because it's motivational anthem, which for the past 3 years, 11 months, and 15 days, has often been necessary to get my ass out of bed and into my office. It's a song I've played often in order to invoke that sense that "I've made it"and as an educated, gainfully employed, independent, and occasionally awesome grown woman, and I'm totally living some version of 'the life' ".

Not.

As I've talked about many times on this blog, I was never really feeling it. So I decided to do something about it. I thought, a new job, a new city, an amazing fellowship could all be mine with some perseverance, prayer, and the hardball determination. But that all turned out to be a bust, and some of my closest friends and my family can tell you, I did NOT handle it well.

So I withdrew to recoup and mourn the loss of what I thought I wanted. In the process I made a few bad choices [retail therapy, an epically bad dating experience, more retail therapy] and one phenomenal choice. I didn't realize at the time that that one decision would lead to a moment of sharing, and that the result of both would alter the course of my life.

But here I type, life course completely and forever altered.

It's finally happened y'all.

The Most Interesting Woman in the World

The Dos Equis Man may very well be the most interesting man in the world, but where is his female counterpart? Actually, during my pre-move, "must clear off my DVR before I move marathon" of Oprah Presents Master Class [among other shows], I concluded that Condoleezza Rice is a strong contender for that title. While I almost entirely and vehemently disagree with her politics, I still find her to be profoundly fascinating and, dare I say it, an inspiration. That revelation acted as a tipping point of sorts. You see, throughout this 2xth year of my life, I've been pondering "what the fudge have I done with my life?" and "how exactly am I going to take over the world? what am I supposed to do with the rest of it?" ad nauseam. Damnit, it was suppposed to feel good to be a gangsta! But I've been feeling neither good, nor like a gangsta. What happened to me??! But Condy's riveting story and life lessons planted a seed in my head, and gave me the push I needed to acknowledge what I do want out of life, and then to go for it, full steam ahead.

La Vida Española: the Good, the Rant, & the Caramel Vodka

*Disclaimer*
The following blog post is a melding of exactly how I feel at the moment, which is a mixture of excitement, hope, determination, nostalgia, despair, and anger. Of my own accord, I realize that merging of such topics into one post makes zero sense. But actually, it makes perfect sense. And besides, it's my blog, and I can rant and rave about hating my job and partying in Spain if I want to. I'm sure by now, I've made quite clear the awesome time I had on my trip.  I'm also sure that if you've been following the blog for a while, I've made quite clear that I hate my job, and have been on the relentless prowl for something better, which after 14 months, is still to no avail. Just a head's up, cuz it might get a little weird.

In case you missed it, I will reiterate that my two weeks in España and Morocco were magnificent.  Like unicorns and glitter magnificent.

The cousin's roommate. They both like to make faces, jajaja

see unicorn on his shirt +glitter on me [Actually, it's body shimmer from Victoria's Secret. It's a self indulgent, gratuitously girly, if not completely ridiculous body powder that makes me sparkle like an Oscar statue freshly spit shined by the 8 year old Taiwanese sweat shop worker that assembled it for 61 cents an hour. It is the single most fabulous thing in my makeup bag and most favorite cosmetic purchase of all time] =magnificent!

¡The we were introduced to Sobrasada!

My trip was so good, in fact, that my short time there only solidified what I've long suspected even before my first venture into Europe back when I was in college and even more so every time I return from there: life in these United States just ain't for me! Now one could say that this is just my inner bougie rearing it's ugly head. That of course I would want to up and move to España after having had a great vacation in the presence of great company, as most people feel that way when returning from really good vacations, especially to Europe. The only difference between me and those folks, is that I'm not bullshitting you. I'm currently hatching a 16-24 month plan, I've been forsaking TV for Rosetta Stone, and I've decided that I'm getting a new job by October [DO YOU HEAR ME UNIVERSE?! I WILL GET A NEW JOB BY OCTOBER. SCREW YOU AND SCREW THIS RECESSION. I'M DONE WITH MY BULLSHIT JOB. YOU WILL GIVE ME A NEW FUCKING JOB BECAUSE I'VE PUT IN THE WORK. I'VE GOT A FUCKING BINDER FULL OF SUBMITTED RESUMES TO PROVE IT YOU FECKLESS BITCH! I'M SMART, I'M A FAST LEARNER, I'M QUALITATIVE AND A RESEARCHER BY NATURE AND I YEARN TO BE CHALLENGED, APPRECIATED, AND NEEDED AT MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT! SO HEAR ME NOW, OCTOBER WILL COME, AND I WILL BE A NEW EMPLOYEE IN THE DISTRICT OF FUCKING COLUMBIA. GOT THAT? GOOD!] that pays a little better and doesn't me make dread getting out of bed each morning, so I can appropriately save for what will be an expensive transition and not be completely loony by the time I arrive in Barcelona.  Honestly, if a legitimate opportunity presented itself tomorrow, I'd be on a plane with the poodle and chuckin' Obama n' dem the the deuces, and giving my job [the building and the institution itself, not so much my coworkers] the finger and some other choice words, in Español, of course.

But back to the unicorns and glitter. [Yes I am going to completely resume my train of thought as if I didn't just completely lose it on the blog. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta!] You've seen the food, and I've touched on some of the best aspects, like the hot men EVERYWHERE [like even the garbage men were hot, several of them, hell even the gay men were hot, like "hot sthuff ssss!" hot], the partying, the warmth of the Moroccan people, and of course, the shopping.  But there was so much more to it. Imagine if say, the U.S. had a 25% unemployment rate. There would be rioting in the streets. Literally. Well that is the current unemployment rate in España, and the country is still standing, and people are still living their lives, and not committing murder/suicides as was tragically observed at the onset of the economic downturn here at home. It's just in my two weeks there, I got the feeling that the Spaniards know more about living their lives than we do. My cousin whose been there for five years agrees. There's just a jena sais quois about their lifestyle. It's hot shit. And I want to be a part of it.

And then there was the Caramel Vodka. I'm a boozehound, [cue Chelsea Handler] as indicated in these posts. I don't know if I've really made clear my obsession with caramel, but you should know, it's real serious y'all. Real serious. With that said, please enjoy the following presentation of tomfoolery and awesomeness, courtesy of carmel vodka, other various libations, and of course, guapos. The four of us sure did ;-]

It should be mentioned, that perhaps with the exception of my cousin himself, there is probably no one else more upset about his upcoming transfer back to the States than I am. I was really REALLY trying to get back to España before his return. But outrageous plane ticket prices are killing me right now.

Last but not least, have you signed up for the giveaway yet?  Yeah, take care of that here. 

I'm So Great!(?)...or So I've Been Tagged..

I'm so great? I can do anything good? I've been tagged by one of my favorite bloggers, Maddy from The Maddy Chronicles in a challenge to state six positive things about myself.  My initial reaction is that I'm super flattered that Maddy would shout me out on her awesome blog [which if you haven't already checked it out, you should, if only for the amazing pictures that's made me vow to take a photography class]. My second thought, was pure horror. I've always silently avoided these sorts of challenges, for fear that I wouldn't be able come up with an required number of positive statements about myself. Yeah..I'm very critical of myself. But, since I've been explicitly asked to participate in this challenge and I know that it's a a very healthy thing to do, I've decided to take the plunge:

1. I'm a planner extraordinaire, I make lists, I check them twice, I cross things off, I move forward. Now of course I don't always make continuous progress through my lists, but I understand that if I write it down, it will happen eventually, and therefore quitting is NEVER an option. Like when I opened a savings account specifically named "Barcelona" two summers ago, I had no idea when it was going to Spain, but as you know now, my heart is in Barcelona!

I even keep my to do list on my google homepage! I just got my Rosetta Stone for Spanish, between the blog, Spain and networking I've made 4-6 new friends, and I know that "A job that excites me" will happen when it's supposed to, I just know it!

2. I'm loyal, possibly to a fault. Seriously. Even though I grumble about it sometimes, I would do anything for my family, and my friends too. They know they can count on me when they need me. It can be exhausting sometimes, but I don't even know how not to be loyal like that. Anytime I've ever I've had to remove a person from my life, it wasn't something I took lightly, and the person was really REALLY sucky for me to get to that point.

3. I'm Adventurous. There are many many things that I'll say, "Sure, why not!" to. Like going to Morocco because we're gonna be in the south of Spain, it's right there, and those guys we met in Paris said Marrakech is a must see! Or getting on the banana boat ride in Puerto Rico. Or touching a snake in the square in Marrakech. Or going to that haunted house in bumble fuck, Delaware. Unless the adventure blatantly involves serious risks to my life, my biggest fears, or nasty food, the odds are I'll do it. I've learned some lessons via this method--like I do NOT like haunted houses, that's gonna be a "NO" for the rest of my life...

I realized AFTER I signed my life away that I had NO idea what I was doing! But it as Awsome! Puerto Rico '08

4. I'm Decisive. My thought processes involve a systematic elimination of what I don't want, determining exactly what I do want, and then unwaveringly focusing on finding/achieving exactly that. I rarely have a hard time coming to a concrete decision.

5. I'm Entertainingly Cynical. I'm not your average Negative Nadette. The glass may be half empty as far as I'm concerned, but rest assured I have something snarky, if not wildly inappropriate to say about it. And when it's all said and done, I still appreciate the sight of roses, yellow ones especially, but I'm not stopping to smell them, because only silly optimists asking for a bee sting and a nose full of pollen participate in such activities.

6. I Can Cook. DUH! Considering my friends are always trying to make me cook for them, and a few of them have actually tricked me into doing it, I can confidently say that I kinda know what I'm doing when it comes to food. And even when I don't, it's usually still edible.

I catered my apartment warming party last summer. The food was a hit!

So I'm tagging all of my readers in this challenge. List 6 positive things about yourself, I'm listening! Oh and more on Spain & Morocco to come, trust!

Ungrateful Heifer

I'm an ungrateful heifer.

I've been really really ungrateful this past year. The constant bitching and moaning about hating my job, hating Baltimore, not having enough friends who live locally, being broke, family woes, etc--[I may not have bitched to you about all of these things, but I've been bitchin']-- needs to quiet down for a bit.

So I'm trying to appease my ungratefulness by sharing with you my blessings. Because in spite of my struggles, there are many things I've been blessed with:

1. Having a job. Yeah, I'm not crazy about my job, but at least I have one, which means I can remain to live ALONE in my cute single gal apartment, in my totally awesome neighborhood which enables me to walk to work, walk to several bars and pizza shops. when the snow came, it was all good, everything was walking distance, and i was fortunate to have parked my car on the 1 block that wasn't "no parking during snow emergency" or else i would've been towed like many ppl in my 'hood. Jesus Loves Me.


2. Not getting dead in Baltimore. So I hate this city, but like my neighborhood most of the time [the gayborhood], and I don't need a roommate, [something I'll have to sacrifice once I move to the district]. I have, on more than one occasion, walked Kona waaay late at night, come home a little drunk from DC via the train waaay late at night, locked myself out of my apartment both times at night, and have not been a victim of a violent crime. The Lord protecteth babes and fools.

3. My friends and my sister. So I only have two close girlfriends who live in Maryland, and they live in Towson, a suburb of Baltimore. And even though we don't get together often enough because we're all busy and it's a pain sometimes to travel and find parking, not drive drunk, etc, whenever we do get together, its always great fun. But I ALSO have my older sister who lives in Baltimore, who lets' me do my laundry at her house, is always down for a movie date, and I'm friends with all her friends (I'm like their little sister) so I should try harder to hang out with her and her friends when mine aren't available. And all my other girlfriends live in the quad-state area. NY, DE, PA, VA. So its not like I have to catch a plane to play with them, it just requires planning and gas money.

4. Not Being that broke. It turns out, I'm not really that broke, I just wish I had MORE money to spend [and save]. I've been paying myself first via automatic debit to ING [Lawd bless it] AND still manage to shop smart every now and again fairly often. Remember that super amazing awesomely fantastic vacation I mentioned in this post?? Well plane tickets have been purchased! I'm spending 14 days in Spain and Morocco in July! and the best part is I'm going with my big sister, and two of my gal pals Hillary and Alihah . First stop: Barcelona, then Madrid, to Seville or some city close to it where my cousin in the Air Force lives [can you say FREE lodging?!], off to Marrakesh, and then back to Seville-ish. Can you say TAPAS?! Are you Jealous?! I also purchased my tickets to see Lady Gaga in DC [!!!] and I'm celebrating my Birthday next weekend at a swanky eatery. Obviously, I'm not too broke to enjoy myself.  I'll just be spending the next few [all] weekends at home. Who wants to come over and drink hang out this weekend??

5. My family. After seeing the movie Precious, let's just say I'll never complain again. My mom is NOT crazier than a barrel of monkeys, she just has a unique perspective, lol. And besides, it could always be worse. They just worry me sometimes, but whose family doesn't?

6. Small miracles. So I've lost my work badge a total of three times now. But each time I've lost it, I found it, which is great because otherwise I would have to pay $50 to replace it. Most recently, I thought I lost my work badge in Jersey while home for Easter. It turns out, I dropped it on the street while walking the poodle, and someone taped it to a street light post on my block. I also locked myself out of my apartment on Monday EVENING--like after 9pm, with the poodle! Normally my older sister has my spares, BUT this time my former coworker who lives in the city had them because she watched the poodle for me on MLK day. THANK GOD she had them because my sister was in Michigan on Monday. And I would've been shit out of luck. Did I mention that Jesus loves me?

7. I'm alive, of sound mind and body, of firm spiritual foundation, of solid moral compass. The Lord wakes me up each day, protects me from being hit by a car on my walk to work, and is obviously trying to teach me a lesson in faith and patience. So let me shut it up for a while, and be grateful for my blessings.

So even though I have had "a week", I'm not gonna bitch about it. I'm gonna county my current blessings, and prepare to receive my future ones.

Sorry to get all philosophical and preachy on you...I know its not what you expect from me, but I like to throw people off their game. [kinda like this game I play when I'm the 'burbs called oxymoron stereotypes, but I won't discuss that today, probably never actually]



Care to share any of your blessings?

RE-JECTED!

So Friday was a rough day.  Because I got an email from a job I submitted my resume to back in February  And they said thanks, but "no, thanks". Ouch.

It's not that rejection isn't expected in my job search. I mean I've only been looking for a new job since May 2009 (along with 3 million other Americans).  Since then, I've probably submitted 6421 resumes and cover letters, and have had 2 interviews, 1 for a job I wanted--ouch to that rejection email, and 1 for a job I didn't want nor apply to but went anyway--and it was a disaster.  

I KNOW that I should be grateful to have a job. I AM GRATEFUL. Because as far as I know, I have a job until July--I'm contractual, remember?

I KNOW that this job market is terrible, and that people far more talented and qualified than me are out of work and can't get work.

I KNOW that I must "focus more on my desires more than my doubts, and the dream will take care of itself"

I KNOW that I must be steadfast in my faith.  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.-Philippians 4:6.

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW! But guess what? Right about now, none of that shit matters!. That stupid email that was chock full of phrases like "stronger candidates" and "promising future" really got me down. It's not so much the fact that I didn't even get an interview [trying not to be bitter], its the fact that with each rejection comes the feeling that I'm NEVER going to get out of this job--and that thought is enough to make want to do something that looks a little like this:

minus me being a white, male, and 2 years old.

When I got this job, I was only planning on staying two years with the expectations that I would have opportunities to grow professionally, be challenged by the work I do, and feel valued and/or needed at this job.  With my two year anniversary giving me dirty looks, none of the stated expectations ever having been met, the thought of working here for another year is enough to make go digging through the cabinets for a sharp plastic knife and ending it all at my desk right now. [I'M NOT SERIOUS, I SAID IT FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT, PLEASE DON'T PUT ME ON SUICIDE WATCH! (as if i would, I'm going to Spain in July, and who would take care of Kona?!)]

I know I'm wallowing in self pity. Guess what? I don't care. I know self pity is completely pointless. Guess what? I still don't care.
I want a new job, I want out of Baltimore, I want the people I had a phone interview for the perfect job to call me back for a real interview already! [now accepting prayers, well wishes, shooting stars, etc] I want to not lose my marbles over this. I want I want I want!


I need to get over it.

Back my regularly scheduled job searching now...